Seven things you should never say to a new mother:
1) Are you going back to work? Unless you’re the boss of her (and I’m guessing you’re not) this is a loaded question and it’s easy to imply there is judgment involved, whether or not you actually feel that way.
2) Is she a good baby? Seriously? “Well, she has fangs and killed our cat while we were sleeping, but other than that, she seems really sweet.” There are no good or bad babies.
3) He’s so cute. When “he” is wearing a dress. Sitting in a pink car seat. Consider it equally true that a baby with a lot of hair, chubby cheeks, and long eyelashes is not necessarily a girl. If you’re unsure, stick with safe. “What beautiful eyes!” or “Your child is adorable!” both work.
4) Are you nursing? Here’s the thing. If this person is your friend and they want to talk about it, they will. If this person is a stranger, quit asking about their boobs and what they do with them. Especially if you’re a dude. It comes off as creepy. If you want to offer support, a better bet is – “I know a great lactation consultant, if you’re ever interested” or “Those early days of non-stop nursing were hard for me. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you!” If they want to continue the conversation, you’ve left it open for them to do so.
5) You shouldn’t hold him so much. He’ll be spoiled. I’m going to go ahead and say it: You CAN NOT spoil an infant by holding him too much. He was held 24/7 for the almost 10 months he was hanging out in the uterus, so anything done now is actually cutting back as far as he is concerned.
6) Just wait, it gets worse. Really, Dr. Doom? Because in the midst of sleepless nights, feeding challenges, spit-up stained everything, and no sex, that’s really what a new parent needs to hear, right? Your toddler/teen/40-something child may be giving you issues, but there’s no need to take it out on the new mom.
7) You’re having another already? Once you have a baby, you may be one of the lucky few who leave the hospital in normal jeans and hit the gym to “tone up” since you’ve already lost the baby weight after your 6 week check. For the rest of us, delivering the baby means dropping the 7-9 lbs of baby + placenta + amniotic fluid we were carrying, but still carting a little extra cushioning and a squishy, looks-like-you’re-five-months-
Three things you can say . . .
1) I’d love to bring dinner by. Which night is good for you? Don’t tell a new parent to call you when they need help – chances are, they won’t. Instead, offer up a specific way to help them, and ask for a time that’s good for them. That hot meal will be appreciated.
2) I remember feeling totally overwhelmed during this phase. Sometimes it’s nice to hear that you aren’t the only one struggling.
3) Nothing. Just be there to listen. Let her talk about her struggles, her joys, her fears. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Do her dishes for her. Just be there.
